I can’t count the number of days I judge myself for saying something ridiculous or failing to do something by a certain time.
I found that I judge myself more than anyone else. As a recovering people pleaser, I struggle to say ‘no’ and even have a tendency to blame myself for things outside of my control. Needless to say, I have internalized shame and put immense pressure on myself to measure up to an impossible standard. Honestly, I want more for myself. And if you struggle with feelings of shame too, I want more for you too!
Here are 7 tips to help you break out of a cycle of shame:
Remove ‘should’ from your vocabulary.
Whenever I think of what I ‘should’ have accomplished by now or what I ‘should’ be doing, there’s a layer of shame attached. Try to refrain from using ‘should’ when talking about where you are in life.
Stop comparing yourself to others.
Comparison truly is a thief of joy. Comparing yourself to others only brings about shame and makes you feel like you aren’t doing enough or aren’t enough.
Remind yourself of your accomplishments.
At a cadence that works best for you—each day, week or month, write a list of the things you’ve accomplished. This could be a list of projects you’ve worked on at work or something as simple as drinking 8 glasses of water a day.
Celebrate the small wins.
Throughout my healing journey I’ve learned that there’s no straight path to healing. Some days I can get through my day with minimal triggers and wake up from a good night of rest. However, there are other days that doing my morning routine is difficult and my eyes are full of tears. Make note of the moments that you make progress in your healing journey. When certain things trigger you, take note of your reaction. What used to send me into a full blown panic attack, I can now utilize grounding techniques immediately and work through certain situations better. That’s a win worth celebrating! The triggers may still be there, but celebrate being able to brave through them.
Remember you’re doing your best.
This one seems simple, but it’s imperative to remember that you’re doing your best to make decisions with the information and the experience that you have. You’re not lazy, you’re just burnt out. You aren’t behind in life, you’re on your own journey figuring things out in your own time.
Surround yourself with people that will uplift you.
Sometimes it’s hard to get out of our own heads and it’s helpful to have friends that will encourage us. We are our own worst critics, but a good friend will remind you of the complete baddie that you are.
Realize that not everything is black and white.
I used to harshly criticize people that would push their dogs in a stroller. I thought it was outrageous and dramatic. It wasn’t until I spoke with a woman whose dog had cancer and couldn’t walk that I realized I was passing judgment on people without knowing their story. And now I judge myself for some of the very same things—allowing my dog to lie on the couch with me and taking him to daycare. The only way to not shame myself for these things is to actively release judgment from others. Remind yourself that you don’t need to know the details of someone’s situation to validate their choices. Truth is, not everything is black and white—much of life is in the gray space.
Although it is difficult to break out of a shame cycle, you can do it. Shame doesn’t go away with some easy formula or wishful thinking, but with practice and self reflection. Be patient with yourself and know that you’re doing your very best. You owe it to yourself to live your life boldly, with no regrets. Now, release yourself from the shame and walk in your calling!
With love and light,
Kai
